All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
