last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
