if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
