I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
