I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Mom said you looked used
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
