Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
