My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
