my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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