I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
