we're chasing vodka with high fives
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
