saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Four minutes until I can fart!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
