I feel great
I just peed on a car
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
