I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
