it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
