Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
