Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
