I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
