She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
