his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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