He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
