if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
