I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
