I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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