Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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