John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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