i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
