i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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