Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
