I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
