Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
