Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
