who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
