remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
