Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
