I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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