i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
