In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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