So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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