alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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