oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
