I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
