Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
