I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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