between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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