I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
