And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
