she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
