Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
