A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
