she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
