I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
