I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
