Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
